Where's the yam??

How hard is it it to find a good tubar of yam in my neighbourhood? Sure, I'm living in the UK, and I can't always get certain food produce that I crave from Naija. But this is yam, for crying out loud. Most of the shops selling yam are offering the ones that are rotting on the inside. Ah-ah!! You'd think that we'd have our money's worth at times. It's so hard to get good yam. I'm not talking American yam. (Yam for wimps!) I'm talking about the real McCoy, here. I'm talking the kind that can be made for Inyan. Speaking of yam, does anyone really pound yam in London? You might have the 'Sound Police' (i.e nosey neighbours complaining to the Council) on your case. Besides, pounding yam is a skill that takes tough callous hands to master. Get it wrong, and you'll just be eating mashed yam with soup. That thought alone is just wrong.

All I want is a good Punan yam to make a good dish of Asaaro. (Yam Porridge) Is that too much to ask?

Fail to Dell-iver

There is is Customer Service, and there is Dell support. If there is a top prize for incompetence and moronic tendencies all rolled up in one, I would have to nominate Dell. I had the short sighted curse of buying into their products, under the deluded belief that I was getting value for money. The palaver involved in just getting the product in the first instance was a humongous human triumph over the behemoth of corporate stupitidy and customer services. If you ever think of buying Dell products, (I would seriously advise you not to, but its your decision) you might want to upgrade your Health insurance policy, because there will probably be a high chance of you developing a hernia. Should you also plan to contact their customer service, make sure you have somone who has some medical training on standby, because you might end up popping a vein on your forehead from frustration. But don't take my blog for it, have a look at all the other wonderful recommendations from other Dell users:

Knives are out...

Other satisfied customers..

and another...

The list goes on......

So, a year after purchasing the machine from Dell, apparently the RAID 0 Drive died. Thankfully, the warrenty on the computer includes call outs from engineers. So far so good. Get chatting to Customer service in Dublin and are advised that an engineer will be out to repair the problem the following day. Now, when Dell makes a promise like that, you have better chance of getting a job as Picture Editor in London (hah!) than getting your computer fixed. Lo and behold, the engineer couldn't fix the problem due to the wrong drive. We then called back Dell Dublin who transferred us to their Customer Centre in Bangalore. Don't even get me started about the palaver that came with. Can you imagine a call centre fobbing you off with a line that they do not have a 'transfer the call' facility. Please!! I've worked in a call centre, so I can't be played like that. Besides, in this day and age of technology, especially in Bangalore, that line of not having the right technology won't fly.

Anyway, with a lot of shouting and threats (which will be carried out, rest assured) an engineer is just downstairs to sort the problem out. Let's see how long that lasts.

Here comes the sun.. and other calamaties..

When you think of Islands, you might be thinking: Palm or coconut trees; blue clear sea; sands; lobsters, high reasonable tempratures, etc. So, when you think of the UK, all that preconcieved notion of what you thought about Islands should just about die right now. I'm saying kill those thoughts right now. I'm telling you, had the politicians of the time knew how things would have turned out weather wise when they sent out prisoners, colonists and others out to Australia, maybe the UK wouldn't be as we know it. Some of you might be reading this and thinking, "Well, if you don't like this country, why don't you go back to where ever it is you came from?" I pay tax. Nuff said.

But I'm not here to discuss the merits of what's good and bad about this country. I'm sounding off about what the sun brings out in this country. First off: Hayfever. Now, there is Malaria, Yellow Fever, Scarlet fever, and all kinds of other fevers. Hayfever, on the other hand, is a summer nasty that rears itself in the form of sneezes, stuffy and sniffling noses, and all because of the high pollen count. Ah-ah!! I've been to countries where you'd expect there to be a high pollen. Nope. Only in the UK.

Speaking of noses, you might just be one of the selected few to develop superhuman powers of sniffing that almighty funk of people not having baths during the summer. Good luck to you if you have to use the underground or find yourself in a packed bus. And if you're a regular to nightclubs, what with the sweat, grime and so forth, well, you only have yourself to blame for being a glutton for punishment.

Another calamity that comes with the sun coming out in the UK is that everybody wants a tan. Thus, that brings about anatomical sights that should not be shared with other people in the world. Now, there is flaunting it, and there is "Oh, dear God ! No!!"What's worse is that even if the temprature is really low (15-18c is low for me), I have fair skinned people shedding their coats and jumpers, just to have any ray of sun on them. And for those who have a tan already, and have a toned body to go with it, then it's a question of going all Adonis and Aphrodite to the opposite sex, only for a Pandora's box to open up. (It's all Greek to me!)

Another product that comes with the sun brings out 'Alpha male' (yeah, right!) neantherthals driving roof down sports cars with music blasting out for the whole world to hear (the music sucks most of the time, anyway) reminiscent to that that scene from "Apocalypse Now".


I could go on, but nah.. it's time for the antihistamines.

"To be sure, to be sure..."

I've just got back from Ireland, and there are 2 characteristics that could make Nigerians (The Yorubas', to be precise) and the Irish a kindred spirit. First off, it's a love for Guinness. Not only is Nigeria known to be the World's 3rd largest maker of that black syrup, but apparently, it's stronger than what's made in Ireland.

The second feature that unites Nigerian & Irish people is the pronounciation of 'th'. Nigerians may have a strong command of the English Language (Thanks very much, British Colonialism!!), but when it come's to phonetics, words are pronounced as seen, especially 'th'. Try getting a Nigerian to say a sentence like, "There are things in this world that usually start with a Three!". Not that that line makes any sense, but you'll understand what I'm on about. The Irish pronounce just like Nigerians. Ahh.. to be sure, to be sure...

The Brokers

Whenever I've been to weddings, be it as a photographer or as a guest, I become somewhat of a Social Anthropologist, and notice somewhat of a ritual that takes place among the elderly women, especially at Asian Weddings. These matriachial 'Auntie J' are the 'Wedding Brokers'.

If you look closely enough, you just might see them holding a very small black book that they flip up for notes whenever a young lady walks by. It never fails. I'm sure you've come across them. The Wedding Brokers huddle together, whispering, comparing notes, visualising the unity of holy matrimony between that person or this person, and most importantly, if they can pull of a more spectacular wedding than the last they attented. I've spoken to many of my Asian friends, and they have verified my thoughs. Heck, some of them have been married due to the Auntie Ji Networking. They say the system works! Yet, they all agree that Auntie Ji has a gift of interfering with their lives, even after their supposed job is done.I guess you get this within most cultures. You definately get it in Nigeria, thats for sure. So, if you're a young, single Asian male or female, and you happen to be at an Asian wedding, be prepared to be scrutinised about your career and family background. Make sure you have a good educational course or 'secure' traditional career going for you: i.e Doctor, Lawyer, Accountancy, etc. Should you not be privvy to said educational status, then you best be a rich person. And if that fails for you, then you're fresh out of luck!