Mad Roamers and Crazy Drivers!

Picture the scene, if you will:

You just so happen to witness a strange image forming before your very eyes. The sight begins to take shape into somewhat macarbe apparation; a view that could literally leave you speechless. An adult male, (or female) is coming towards at full speed, butt-naked, screaming like a banshee, has a blunt machete in his hand and is about to strike a blow right towards your neck. Like any sane individual, you take cover. You don’t want a blade making it’s way to your neck, or any part of your anatomy for that matter.

Seems implausible? Ok, let’s change the tempo: a bull has just been castrated, has snapped free from its harness, and it wants revenge. He zeros in on you, and stampedes right for you. Once again, you don’t or try not to reason with said animal. You do the next best thing: Run!


I’ve cited to two extreme examples of instances that could happen. Which begs the question as to why people in this country, especially in London, take their time while crossing a busy road, when they have no right of way? I’ve witnessed on so many occasions people playing chicken with cars of all sizes. It’s like pedestrians are double-daring the drivers to knock them over. I mean, how dumb can you be? For all you know, the driver in question could be under the influence, or committed a crime and getting the hell out, or is maybe just in a hurry to get to the bog before it all goes pear shaped.

I then realise that people take liberties in this country. The general rule, I reckon, is that said pedestrians feel that the driver’s insurance would cover any medical bills and payout. Not bad for a few broken bones.

Now, I’ve travelled to certain parts of the world, and there are three countries that come to mind that you don’t want to dare drivers or pull off any dumb stunts of jaywalking on the main road: Namely Italy, India and Nigeria. Italy has somewhat a sense of normality, but pull any stunts in India or in particular, then you only have yourself to blame. Can you imagine? You see a car hurtling towards you, and you’re strolling across the road at your own leisure. You best believe that a collision is inevitable. And the pain doesn’t stop there. Oh, no! You’d be then asked (if your either conscience or can at least talk!) to explain your foolish actions. It’ll then be you, the ‘victim’, who would have to fork out for the damage to the vehicle.

So, if none of you guys can remember the Green Cross Code when you take that stroll across a busy intersection or road, just visualise a naked man with a machete dashing for you.

Obeying the wind and other hair raising moments…

It’s been kind of windy these past couple of days, and with the wind comes all kinds of mishaps. I’ve witnessed the usual wind scenarios: an umbrella being blown away; rubbish bags dragged. Heck, I’ve even witnessed Marilyn Monroe moments.



So how do you prepare for that windy moment when your toupee comes flying off your head? That’s a scene I saw a couple of days ago, and of course, I didn’t have my camera with me to record such a priceless moment. The poor dude was dressed to the nines, all dapper and such. He even had a beautiful woman by his side. They were just about to make their way into a parked Mercedes Benz when the faux pas happened. I don’t know why the dude never secured that toupee down properly, but I reckon he ought to shave or invest in something stronger. Like the brand Donald Trump uses. (Come on, people!! We're all thinking it: it has to be a toupee!!)


There’s another guy I used to see a lot who I believe must be in hair denial. The man must be in 50s, and has 3 or 4 strands of hair that I’m sure he combs over his obvious bald patch. This dude looks like another version of Homer Simpson, but only paler and thinner. Whenever the wind blows, the strands stand to attention to be counted, which you can literally do. And I’m asking myself: “Doesn’t this guy have someone telling him that he might actually look better with no hair at all?” I guess he’s holding on to the final remnants of what could have probably been long lush, flowing hair. Oh, how he longs for the wonder years…



Why Am I picking on the bald guys? No apparent reason. I’m as bald as a vulture’s head, and I’ll be damned if I wear a toupee or such. (Unless a miracle drug is produced to create hair with no side effects!) If anything, I strongly believe that the almighty created baldness as a true sign of showing off the perfect head. ☺

Chuck out your old pants!

You're walking down the street, feeling good and minding your own business. The air is fresh for a change, and people in the neighbourhood are saying "Hello". It's the start to a beautiful day, and you're take it all in your stride. That's until you get 'splat' square in the eyes by a piece of clothing. Slowly, you remove the piece from your eyes and come face to face with (dramatic musical theme: "DA-DA-Dahhhh!!") : a pair of granny pants. What the?!?!?! Is this some sick joke supposedly celebrating the emancipation of women, and the flying pants double up for victory confetti?


Ladies & Gentlemen, that's the image the copywriters have come up with to promote new tampons from a well known brand. Now, before you all jump on the "Sacrilage!! let's crucify him for being sexist about not understanding female issues!!", hear me out: The premise to the ad is that users of said brand would feel more comfortable and librated by using the product in order to use their sexy underwear rather than using (and this term was coined by a female friend of mine!) 'Elephant pants! That's all well and good, but the idea that you should then proceed to chuck out your 'granny pants' through the windows from above to unsuspecting members of the public just isn't right! Can you imagine if mothers had found a better diaper for kids and chucked out 'jumbo diapers' to an unsuspecting audience? Better still, picture the scene if you will: There's a fashion campaign for men to remove the shackles of 'Y-Front' briefs and take to wearing sleek designer boxer shorts. Imagine the disgusting sights!!

Here's an idea: Use a bin! There's a reason there's the saying, "Don't air your linen!"

arrrgggghhhhhhhh..........

***Final note*** : I've just been corrected by the missus that the product is actually a pad, not a tampon. You learn something new every day!

How to survive boredom at meetings.

I'm at a mandatory training course that is boring the life out of me. I feel my life-force slowly being sapped out by the monotonal (is that even a word??) voice of the co-ordinator, and the rambling wafflings of one of the participants, whom I have nick named 'Mighty Mouth!'. My eyes are glazed over and I'm in a trance. They say that the mind is a terrible thing to waste, and being at this course is just going to prove that saying.

So, what does one do to pass away the time? Well, apart from exhausting out playing 'Nowts & Crosses', or Counting sheep; the next best thing to do is improvise. And that's exactly what I've done. Do you realise how many useless/useful facts you pick up when you observe people in your group. In the course of 1 hour and out of sheer boredom, I noticed that there are:

19 people on the course
5 are women
5 wearing white shoes
10 are wearing jeans
5 are bald
7 are wearing trainers
6 have their arms folded
ALL are bored (including the co-ordinator!)
1 is a major chatterbox
22 posters are stuck on the wall
2 people have the flu
5 people are perpetual interrupters
8 are half asleep
1 blond
5 people wearing glasses

and such irrelevant information like that. Inspite of the boredom, you have to project the image of 'alertness and enthusiasm!

Thankfully, this is the last day of the course!!

Hallelujah!

If you have any tips on how to pass the time during boring presentations and courses, please share!

New Year, New Year!!

So, here it is: another year in our very existence. T'is a time for resolutions that never really make it past New Year:Day 5. We applaud ourselves for making it this far in our lives, and make a promise/pact/pledge (you get the idea!) to better ourselves in whatever way we can. It's not going to be easy, but with resolve and determination, and belief in ourselves, anything is possible.

However, here's what I think: If you propose to do something, why wait for the new year? why not the new day, or the next minute? I don't get new year resolutions. It's all well and good if you have a business plan to execute, but resolutions for a yearly basis?? Nah.. it's an idea that needs to be revamped, if you ask me.

Whatever your plans are this year, here's to success, however tough it may seem!

"GETTING YOUR FOOT THROUGH THE DOOR..."

I've come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with that phrase, especially if you're trying to work in the media. Think about it or visualise, if you will: There you are, trying to get into a place, and the only access is through the door, which has just barely opened. Then, based on the concept of 'G.Y.F.T.T.D', (that actually seems Welsh!) you place your foot through the gap. Has it ever occurred to you that the door might actually be made of iron10 inches thick and there is a high probability that you might need an amputation afterwards?

Hence, based on real life experience ( I've had a door of a peugeot 505 slammed on my fingers at full force!), I've come up with the 'Ak Stopper ™ '. This device is guaranteed to stop any further pains of crushed feet. Forget trying to sacrifice your foot in order to get in. Place the 'Ak Stopper™' , and not only will it give you easy access in and out of places with your full body, but also with finess.

I know.. I have a hyperactive mind at times

Shop to it!

Ahh, the joys of shopping. We all have one form of shopping or the other that we carry out at least once a week, and also depending on what kind of budget you have.

I hate shopping. Period. Never have or never will like shopping. There are only certain things that I would have no qualms wanting to shop for: Anything photography based; books (including graphic novels, although some philistines define graphic novels as 'comics'. What an insult!!) Apart from these shopping needs, for other stuff, I always go Blitzkrieg shopping. In and out. That's it. You know what you want, and you grab what you need.

However, the Blitzkrieg shopping technique can be flawed every now and then. Ever had one of those shopping moments that you are in such a hurry to buy stuff, that you forget that most important of things: The Shopping list. Oh, yeah: We've all been there. With no list, we try to improvise with the following techniques:

1. Visualise yourself back at home, and rammaging through whats needed for shopping. You then take said 'retrieved' information and hope that said information was as good as what could have been on the shopping list.
2. Use the moblile phone. It helps if you can have a good reception to call on family and friends who are forever raiding your flat for supplies, and then have the audacity to tell you that you've run out of the essentials (which, I may add, was actually nicked by them!)
3. Basket Spy: If you have ever tried the first 2 examples, and not succeeded, you may have, nay, you WOULD have tried the 'Basket Spy'® Technique. All you need to do is look into the baskets of other fellow shoppers on the aisle for pointers to what you might need at home. The catch with that is you might be seen as a stalker looking at their feeding/living habits, when in all fairness, you're just looking for tips.

Enjoy your shopping!

Where's the yam??

How hard is it it to find a good tubar of yam in my neighbourhood? Sure, I'm living in the UK, and I can't always get certain food produce that I crave from Naija. But this is yam, for crying out loud. Most of the shops selling yam are offering the ones that are rotting on the inside. Ah-ah!! You'd think that we'd have our money's worth at times. It's so hard to get good yam. I'm not talking American yam. (Yam for wimps!) I'm talking about the real McCoy, here. I'm talking the kind that can be made for Inyan. Speaking of yam, does anyone really pound yam in London? You might have the 'Sound Police' (i.e nosey neighbours complaining to the Council) on your case. Besides, pounding yam is a skill that takes tough callous hands to master. Get it wrong, and you'll just be eating mashed yam with soup. That thought alone is just wrong.

All I want is a good Punan yam to make a good dish of Asaaro. (Yam Porridge) Is that too much to ask?